Episode 010: What To Do Before You Die

Hello, my little spiders. How good to find ourselves in conversation once again, but I must warn you: Brace yourself. We’re going to be talking about some hard but important truths in this episode, but I’ll try to keep it fun too. Try, being the key term here… We all need to recognize that at some point death is going to come for us. Now maybe you’re banking on a longshot. Like biohacking your body into immortality or vampires or something. And, I don’t want to panic you, but I think you should consider some practical thinking about your demise. Maybe just start with a few short breaths and build up from there. See if you can ponder your own end for a few minutes. Breathe and slowly start to accept that at some point in time, you are going to die. Every generation has had those who pursue immortality, but none have yet achieved it. That’s not to say, I’m not rooting for science… or maybe vampires. But, as I’ve learned, it’s wise to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So while we’re all working on accepting that it's true that we are all going to kick the bucket someday, I would also like to point out that death can be a little more elusive than you might think. Especially in this day and age. I mean, not for everyone, and it can sound wildly insensitive to say that during this particular era in human history, being a pandemic and a time when you can’t connect to the news cycle without being inundated with deaths from police violence and all, but, statistically speaking, it holds true. It’s strange that humans always seem to hold two diametrically opposed feelings. First, that they are not going to die. Not really. They might know it abstractly but have often not really thought about it in concrete terms. At the same time, we all seem to be startled as we age that we “made it this long.” I know I’ve certainly hit some spots on the ol timeline where I’ve thought, “wow, I didn’t expect to get here. Now what?” So, for those of you listening right now, I’m going to be very Virgo and assign some odds here. You are 100% going to die. But you are 99.99% not going to die today or tomorrow. I’d go so far as to say this whole week, but I don’t want to get crazy with it because our listenership is going up and I need to watch my margins here. I don’t assign odds all willy nilly. I should mention that I add protective hexes to all my shows to make sure my listeners survive until our next episode but I always strive for honesty so imma just say I don’t actually know how to do that. If I learn though, it’s on. Okay, so let’s talk about what we’re here to talk about: preparing for the inevitable. Even if right now you’re thinking I’m too young or I don’t own anything or I don’t care what happens after I die ‘cause Imma be dead, just stop. Take it from me, and this is one thing I do know a lot about right off the cuff, these things can affect way more than what happens to your stuff after you die. It can be about who makes the call about whether or not they pull the plug on you or keep you alive when you’re laying in a coma. And it’s about who gets to make other medical decisions when you are unable to speak for yourself. Maybe you have a partner you’ve been living with for years, maybe forever, but your state doesn’t recognize domestic partnership without legal documentation and then something as simple as a car accident or an aneurysm or lightning bolt ends your time on this plane of existence and everything you meant to address before “that time came” was left unattended and now goes to your squirrelly sister and that brother-in-law you can’t stand. The one with the tooth thing and that tattoo he regrets getting but also hasn’t gone through the trouble of covering up. Maybe you have kids and you love them and want to do the best you can for them when they have to face their grief. If you hate your kids, you’ll still want to make sure you don’t leave them in charge of making your decisions should something happen to you because they probably hate you back. Anyway, I’m getting turned around now. The point is, no matter where you are in life - personally or financially - it’s never too late to start thinking about your worst case scenarios. Seriously. Best practice is to get a few forms on file as soon as you hit 18 and update as needed throughout your life. Yes, as I’ve mentioned, my father was a funeral director. In the small Illinois town where I was born, he was the deputy coroner and the mortician. And I myself work in a funeral-adjacent industry which has put me in contact with people across the spectrum from grieving families to grief counselors to trauma nurses and death doulas to people who manage mortuaries or help families pre-plan for end-of-life needs or sell life insurance policies or lawyers who draw up wills and trusts and, sometimes when things don’t go right, to help families untangle the mess left behind by a recently deceased loved one who didn’t quite get around to addressing their last wishes while still alive. Which is a shame because simple estate planning is easier than you think and it can really do so very much to help the people you love in their time of grief. My dad saw enough of grieving spouses and distraught children faced with a barrage with questions when the only question they should be dealing with is whether oreos or ice cream are bettering at consoling a person when consumed in a bathtub while crying. Seriously, take an estate attorney or funeral director out to lunch and ask them to tell you some stories. Sometimes the tragedy is not in the loss in life but in the stories that follow. Siblings fighting over a collection of silverware. Second spouses fighting bio kids about who gets to decide what happens to the body. The list goes on and on. Some examples seem obvious but so many more will leave you wondering how anyone could trade an opportunity to salvage or strengthen familial ties over something like a broach or a picture of a cowboy purchased at a garage sale, but stranger things have happened. Now, my brother and I grew up with these stories and also with a bit of a strange slant on our value system by comparison to our peers that might be attributed to our relationship with death. There was never a time where we were unaware of death or that it would slowly take everyone we’ve ever known or cared about from this world, but a thick veneer of humor was added to the surface to offer a cheery shine. Seriously though, good things came out of this untraditional upbringing other than the jokes. I believe in telling people how I feel in the moment I am feeling it rather than holding back for the right time. Sure, it can be uncomfortable at first, but most people get used to it. Anyone who thinks it’s too much can associate with more tepid personalities. Both my brother and I value people and experiences over things. A house full of stuff is just more tasks you’re assigning to loved ones or, in some cases, strangers after you die. Keep only the things you need or value. Thing is, if you’re keeping it, maybe jot down some instructions about what you want to happen to it after you bite the dust. Now, this one isn’t particularly crucial. This step can often be kept at a conversational level for those of us without kids or a lot of assets, but I’m still of the mind that it’s never unwise to put in a little extra early to save trouble down the road. I always remember this great story I heard - and by great I mean really really terrible - about a man who died and left millions in cash and assets to his two sons. Thing is, the dad didn’t get too specific when it came to the little things. Like divvying up his vintage cars. Now one of those cars he refurbished himself, with his sons, and now that the dad was gone both sons decided they wanted this car. At any cost. And it certainly did end up costing them. Years of litigation followed until the value of the car was only a mere fraction of what either of these kids tossed out trying to wrest away ownership from their brother. They were brothers by blood only at that point, their relationship turned to bitter hate, and they could have just shared that damn car and remembered building it with their dad together… but no. Grief is a weird thing. Greed is a weird thing. Either one of those factors can be problematic, but should the two meet, things can get cray. Oftentimes, it’s not even a matter of greed or grief. It’s just a matter of differences in opinion. This especially comes into play with aging parents and not just afterlife decisions when wishes are not made known before decisions have to be made. Okay, so this gets into making a will or trust. This isn’t just for parents, or people with, uh, assets and stuff. This is stuff we should all think about, at least long enough to make sure we have our boxes checked. I mean, if you live with a partner and you’re not married, have you named them in your will? What about on your life insurance policy? Maybe you don’t have a life insurance policy, but does your employer provide one? Are you 100% sure about your answers? What about a 401k plan? Do you have one through your job? Or maybe one from a previous job? Who is named to inherit those funds if something happens to you? Sometimes it’s as easy as updating a name on a form to make sure you’re covered. Preparing for end of life is about a lot more than burial plots and wills. What about power of attorney? Have you named someone to speak on your behalf and make decisions if you’re unable to? Personally, I think everyone should celebrate their 18th birthday by signing a healthcare POA and purchasing a lottery ticket. A healthcare power of attorney or health care proxy names someone to make medical decisions on your behalf should you be incapicitated. [1] Have you had conversations with your parents - or your kids - about what happens if you or they can’t make decisions? Because this is a two-way street. I named both my husband and my brother as my medical power of attorneys because if something happens to me I don’t know if my fella is going to feel up to the task of tackling some of the more harrowing problems that can precede death. Not that my kid brother isn’t going to be addressing his own difficult feelings when my time comes, but my fella takes softie to a whole different level that neither my brother nor I are incapable of externalizing. Mark, my husband, would not be best served by filling out paperwork to get some plugs pulled when the time comes but my sibling will be there with a pillow in hand just in case the medical team takes too long. We’ve made promises to each other, after all, and one of those promises is to not needlessly prolong this life in the face of suffering when no reasonable hope can be found. Those are our feelings. Our choices. And we know we share those views because we’ve thought about them and talked about them. Lots of other people feel differently and that’s why it’s important to know how the people around you feel. I know my mother wants to be cremated. She doesn’t want to be in a managed care facility or retirement center for as long as she can avoid it and would prefer in-home help. But, if she cannot live on her own, she values her independence and would opt for assisted living that helps her maintain that independence over living with either of her children. I know this because we’ve talked about this as a family. And when my father died, he left a numbered list of everything we needed to do in the event of his passing because (a) we’re just like that here and (b) he knew how difficult grief can be for families and the one way to help alleviate that grief is to remove the litany of questions that follow death. His list got specific enough to tell us which crematorium we should contact and who should speak to about the funeral service. A little morbid, sure, but Dad could be morbid. And it really was super helpful. When I was younger, I drafted a will that specified I was to be cremated and handfuls of my ashes were to be thrown at people I didn’t like. Of course, I didn’t pay the money to go through an attorney but I did have it notarized and it was public library researched. That being said, I don’t know how it would stand up in court especially considering I didn’t name an executor so I’m sure the court appointed executor would likely object to distributing my ashes in accordance with my wishes. That brings up an important point: the difference between wills and trusts. And I want to start by saying, I am not an attorney. I suggest you speak to an attorney when drafting either a will or trust. Now, a will is a more cost effective option - generally running anywhere from 300 to 800 dollars. Now, that’s a rough estimate derived from personal experience and internet sleuthing. A trust is a bit different and is generally suggested if you have a lot in assets, have concerns about a will being contested, want to avoid a probate period while the courts review your last wishes, or young children are involved. Trusts can be more costly, but they also help you avoid a probate period. Once again, I would seek the advice of an attorney before proceeding. As I aged, and some might say, matured, my wishes have changed. I still want to be cremated but the list of people I don’t like has changed dramatically. It used to be based on specific individuals and now it’s more about groups like people who don’t wash their hands after using a public restroom or people who talk in theaters. So, cremation is still a go and I’m a proponent of the practice. There are a number of other emerging practices gaining traction these days from mushroom suits to full body burial at sea - which, in case you were wondering, can be far more challenging then you might expect. If you want to get cast into the sea upon your death, might I suggest cremation first? Okay, I’m veering here. If I start wandering I could be telling stories and off on tangents all day. I think the best thing to do is to make a list. Let’s assign some order to the chaos that follows death so that we might leave a little more order in our wake. First thing to do is assign a power of attorney. Who do you want to make decisions for you if you are incapacitated? There are two types of POAs: a medical and a financial. Once again, this should be a conversation as well as a legal document. Surprises aren’t fun. Partners, parents, friends. Whoever your people are. If you have yet to find your community, fret not. Your people are out there and, in the meantime, you still have some control. Do you know someone who is willing to act on your behalf or would you prefer the courts to simply assign someone? That is commonly done so don’t panic if that’s the case. At the same time you’re discussing POAs, you can talk about things like medical directives and organ donation so you can make your wishes known in case something happens. A medical or advanced directive states things like whether or not you want to be resuscitated. Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “DNR orders on file” on one of those medical dramas. Power of Attorney and Advanced Directive just puts your wishes in writing and/or names someone to act on your behalf. My fella and I were together quite a long time before we opted to wed. Like, a long, long time. Long enough to name each other on advanced directives so we could speak in medical situations. Neither one of us was really worried about the other one being left out of the decision making in terms of family if something happened to the other, but we did want to make sure we wouldn’t run into issues when traveling together. An ER doctor in New York might not wait to find out you have a do not resuscitate order on file in Arizona, but they will definitely pause to listen to your partner if they are carrying a POA and advanced directive. These forms grant a person authority to talk to your doctor and help make decisions about CPR, mechanical ventilation, tube feeding, dialysis, palliative care, organ and tissue donations, and a whole lot more. [2] And you can easily find free versions of these forms online by searching for them. They can vary by state so you want to make sure you have the right one for where you live. Just type in “free AZ power of attorney form.” [1] Or “free California power of attorney form.” [1] Make sure the person you choose is not only someone that you trust but someone whose values align with your own. Unexpected questions can come up and you want to have someone who will answer for you in a way you would choose to answer for yourself. At least, that’s the idea. Next, let’s move right along to creating a will or trust. Start by asking yourself some basic questions, like do you have young children that would need to be cared for should something happen to you? Who would you trust to do that? While my husband and I have opted out of the whole kid thing, we are godparents to an amazing brood connected to us by both blood bonds and those of chosen family. And, as such, we have had conversations with all involved parents about what that would look like for us and for their kids. Everything from discussing where we would live to making sure they know every Auntie gets a key to our house. But, if you’re like us and you don’t have kids, there are still a number of practical reasons for having a will or trust in place. Do you own a home? Do you have a bank account with a not negative balance? Do you have a job with a 401k? Is your vinyl collection truly stellar? Really think about it. I have a number of first edition books that might just get tossed into a donation pile if I don’t warn people prior to my passing. And what about my complete collection of Marx Brothers Dvds? If one of my friends isn’t allowed to claim them, I swear my ghost will haunt that set to the end of time. But I’m uh, middlish aged. I’ve had some time to gather my stuff. Maybe you don’t have that much stuff sitting around. Maybe you have a roommate and nothing much to speak of. I know I spent most of my adult life right there. But I still had something in place to make sure my roommates weren’t left scrambling to cover my share of the rent if I bought the farm prematurely. Thoughtful, right? That’s what we’re here to do. Think about these things. I encourage you to think about what you own and who you want it to go to in the event of your passing. If you don’t the courts will decide on your behalf and not always go in accordance with your wishes. COnsulting an attorney &/or financial advisor is always a great start but forms are available through places like Legal Zoom or Rocket Lawyer to help you out if you just need to get down the basics. Okay, so wills and trusts. Look into ‘em. But that’s just part of this whole process. Now we gotta talk about bodies. We all have at least one and you can’t take it with you. So what are you going to do with it? Now it’s all well and good to say, I don’t care what happens to my body after I die, but that basically translates to I’m going to let my family worry about those decisions and associated costs. And, yes, there are always costs because no one wants to leave a loved one’s body unclaimed. Lemme tell you why. In an article for The Atlantic, Michael Waters explains, “The United States has no uniform system for managing the unclaimed. There is no federal law outlining what steps to take, and many states do not have clear procedures, leaving individual medical examiners to make decisions about how to best deal with the bodies. As a result, examiners without money to simply bury or cremate the remains are resorting to inventive—and strange—solutions.” What does he mean by “strange solutions?” Let’s find out. According to Waters, “All this means that solutions for managing the dead are getting weirder and more controversial—though not necessarily worse. While Tennessee gives some unclaimed cadavers to “body farms” where researchers study decomposition, New York has buried more than 1 million unclaimed bodies on its inaccessible Hart Island, a 100-acre strip of land north of Manhattan. States such as North Carolina cremate unclaimed remains and scatter them at sea. Dallas, which is also overrun with unclaimed bodies, briefly debated liquefying remains through an environmentally friendly process known as alkaline hydrolysis. That initiative failed after lawmakers expressed revulsion for the technique, which reduces human bodies to a brownish liquid and a set of bones.” [5] Gross guys but actually smart for the environment. At the same time, funerals are expensive. The average cost for a funeral in the United States is somewhere between $7k and $12k. But as the national Funeral Directors Association points out, "The cost does not take into account cemetery, monument or marker costs or miscellaneous cash-advance charges, such as for flowers or an obituary." [6] That often pushes the number upwards of $20k which is kinda crazy to me and part of the reason I’m in the business I’m in… but that’s not what this show is about. This show is about death, not business, even the business of death. Maybe you want the side by side plots on the hill with marbled angels frozen in prayer to watch over your corpse. I say that without judgements. No, seriously, I love a good stroll through a lovely cemetery. Something overgrown, cared for through the years. It feels like a sacred space. I might believe in equitable distribution of funds, but I also believe if an individual choose to allot a larger portion of their share to some grand memorial, I would support and celebrate it. Sure, you can fit 180 standard size urns into one grave space but whatever. The average cost of cremation in the U.S. as of 2017 according to The Neptune Society was about $1100. Now, that’s for direct cremation so that doesn’t include costs for memorial services, urns or other things that often get tacked on. A mushroom suit will run you about $1,500 but you have to figure out where you’re going to bury the body. Can’t just pull off to the side of the road and dig a hole. No, no, my dears, such things are frowned upon. You can purchase space from some mortuaries or cemeteries and, depending on the state, you can bury on private land. Now, donating your body to science can help you sidestep these costs. Once medical students address their knowledge needs, your body will be cremated - at no expense to you or your loved ones - and then returned to your family. Conservation burial is also a cool new option that’s becoming available. For a fee that goes to support preservation of the land, either your body or your ashes can be buried in a conservation cemetery. I think that’s neat. There are a lot of options out there. I’m going to include some resource links on the page for this podcast over on YabYum for those looking for more information on the topics we’re discussing here today. I know it’s a lot to get through at one time. Okay, medical directives, POAs, wills, trusts, bodies… what am I leaving out? Oh yeah, I know. Everyone listening is probably silently screaming at me, “Social Media.” Right? That’s what you’re thinking right now. Right? Sure. Anyway. Facebook allows you to designate a legacy account - a person who can do certain things with your account should you die. Like post a farewell or delete posts from other people. Or backup everything and delete the whole account. Twitter, Instagram, and other outlets will require your family to provide some evidence before removing accounts but they’ll eventually be deactivated if they sit idle too long anyway in most cases. That doesn’t mean your Twitter ghost won’t be selling sunglasses in the meantime. Some companies are already offering solutions. Cake and Safe Beyond both offer Legacy Solutions with their online pre-planning services that will leave final messages on social media to bid adieu to your friends and followers. Both companies offer a range of free planning services and neither of them are sponsors so check them out. And, once you’ve checked your boxes, think about anything else you might want to leave behind. Letters to loved ones. Some final thoughts about your life. Don’t worry. You can update as the years go on. It might actually be a nice meditative practice to do once every year. I keep encouraging my father-in-law to leave behind an uncensored memoir for his sons and future generations. The man’s lived a very interesting life, one he’s still chugging away at, and I’m not just talking about those rocknroll years. The kids wanna know. For my nephews, I composed a book list rather than a letter. Way I see it, my ten favorite books are a better way to get to know me better as an adult if I don’t survive their childhood. Legacies are a very personal thing and they mean something different for every person. It’s not just about money. Let’s just call this an invitation to start thinking about yours. Okay, medical directives, POAs, wills, trusts, bodies, legacies. I think that’s a pretty decent rundown to get you started. As mentioned, I’ll include links on the page for this episode over on YabYum. That’s YabYumWest.com. And you can always find this podcast (and others) by selecting podcasts from the menu. Easy peasy. Well, this show has been a bit of a doozy so I’ll have to think of something extra fun for our next chat. Right now, I’ve got to think of a good last message for my social media accounts… Maybe “Be warned, Devils, I am on my way.” -- [1] https://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2012/10/12/six-things-to-do-before-you-die/#27ac7c5135de [2] https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/living-wills/art-20046303 [3] Facebook legacy https://www.facebook.com/help/1070665206293088 [4] Guardian sm article https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/social-media-what-happens-when-you-die-instagram-facebook-twitter-gmail-pinterest-a8706126.html [5] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/02/unclaimed-bodies-problem/582625/” [6] https://www.nfda.org/news/statistics [9] https://www.joincake.com/blog/mushroom-burial-suit/ Resources: Cake: https://www.joincake.com/welcome/